it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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