Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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