if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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