Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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