I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
soo... how was my night?
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