just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After tacos, we're chasing women.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
