the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
