My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
