I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
