I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
