My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
