So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
