How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
