I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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