best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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