Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
