the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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