actually, I'm a sock model
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
