captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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