I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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