I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
