Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Rumble strips road head = magical
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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