I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
