I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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