did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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