Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
