Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
