My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
