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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wanna passion pit in your ass
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
