happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
