I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
