I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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