she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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