I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
