Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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