I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I died a long time ago.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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