The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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