How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
