I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize