im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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