I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
