Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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