That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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