i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
