Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
