If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
