His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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