forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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