I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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