R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
