I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
