If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
