I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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