Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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