I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
