$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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