I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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