I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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