I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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