the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
