Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
